The Booya Bible

Judges 3 (Part II) - Ehud shoves a knife into a dude’s belly, which encloses around his hand. Yeah, it’s in the Bible, dude, read it! Probably looked as above.

Judges 3 (Part I)

God forces Israel into war to teach them that…um…well…to teach them that…fuck I dunno…He’s a fucking asshole. 

Judges 2 (The birth of racism…)

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God’s pissed when Israel mixes with the locals but they kill an animal so it’s all good. Josh dies at 110 throwin’ a big FU to Jack LaLanne

Judges 1 (Prepare to be judged……)

Judah is Israel’s next golden boy freedom fighter. Let’s hope he works out better than Bin Laden did for the United States. 

Joshua 24

Long reminder of all the good shit God did, (NM the bad shit). Josh dies and Israel snuggles into its homeland. Only peace from now on rite?

Joshua 23 (Can God make a tribe so powerful even he can’t defeat it?)

Josh: “Ye know in all your hearts…that not one thing hath failed…which the Lord your God spake.” Not even gonna f’in’ comment anymore. 

Joshua 22

Dumbass builds an altar reminding all of Achan who took of the ‘accursed thing’-still unnamed but pretty safe to say now it was goat semen.

Joshua 21

Reaffirm that God kills ALL Israel’s enemies, ‘cept the Caananites and Jebusites, but He was tired that day, ‘Homeland’ was on, just bushed!